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It’s never easy to take the first step on any journey. When you are facing a marital separation, there are five things that you can do to protect yourself, financially and emotionally.

1.         Secure your property. Review your joint bank and credit card statements regularly to ensure that no unexpected withdrawals or charges have been made. You might want to divide joint accounts or close credit cards if there is no legal restriction, but check with your divorce lawyer first. It’s also a good idea to secure property that may have sentimental value, like family heirlooms, where they cannot be misplaced or damaged.

2.         Conserve resources. Creating a budget and sticking to it are always prudent measures, especially during a marital separation. When one household becomes two households, the expenses are increased but income is not. When making financial decisions, consider the effect on cash flow and liquidity. It might be better to pay joint debts out of joint income and assets instead of your separate income and assets, but check with your divorce lawyer first.

3.         Gather financial records. If you keep your records organized, you will have an advantage in the divorce process and save legal fees. Make photocopies and keep them in a secure place so that you can furnish them to your divorce lawyer when asked. If you have access to your spouse’s records legally, make copies of them as well. You can obtain most documents through a legal process known as discovery, but it is cheaper to make copies yourself.

4.         Think twice before acting. Imagine at all times that your kids and a family judge are watching every action and reading what you write. Anything you say or write in emails and text messages might be used as evidence. How would a family judge react to your Facebook profile? If you have a temper, consider moving out before you do something that might result in a restraining order. Don’t make any agreement without consulting a lawyer first.  

5.         Contact reliable allies. Trust is one of the first casualties of divorce, so you need to find reliable allies. Consider supportive friends and family members who are able to keep your confidences and empathize with your feelings. Physical activities like exercise can reduce stress more effectively than alcohol or junk food. Hire a family lawyer that you feel comfortable with. It is very important to understand what your lawyer is saying and to be heard when you speak to your lawyer. Consider lawyers who concentrate their practice in divorce and know the nuances of this complex area of legal practice.

It’s natural to feel sad about divorcing. A marital separation or divorce can bring changes that cause stress or discomfort, at least for a while. Yet, recent research by a Harvard psychology professor has shown that the human brain contains a built-in capacity to recover happiness in a relatively short time. Prof. Daniel Gilbert is the author of the book “Stumbling on Happiness” (Random House 2007). Professor Gilbert has done extensive research of the frontal lobe cortex, the area of the human brain that generates our imagination. One thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to imagine experiences we haven’t actually had and judge whether those experiences might be good or bad. But our imagination is flawed. When we imagine what might happen to us, we usually misjudge how good or bad an experience might be. Here’s the hopeful part: when bad things happen to us, our frontal lobe cortex is programmed to “synthesize” happiness in a short period of time. Professor Gilbert found that survivors of catastrophic illnesses were just as happy as million-dollar lottery winners after the crisis period had passed. In fact, most people who have experienced bad events return to normal levels of happiness in an average of three months. More research from Prof. Gilbert: The “synthetic” happiness that our brains create when we recover from bad experiences is just as real and satisfying as the “natural” happiness we feel when good things happen. You might think that we are just fooling ourselves when our brains make lemonade from sour lemons, but Professor Gilbert’s studies show that synthetic happiness is just as good as “real” happiness. The moral of the story? We must keep hope alive as we are surviving a crisis period, like a marital separation or divorce. Our minds tend to exaggerate the good that we remember in the past and over-emphasize the bad when we imagine the future. Knowing that our minds will naturally return us to happiness, we can better survive the change.

Asking your fiance for a prenup doesn’t have to spoil the joy of your engagement. Personal finance experts agree that prenuptial agreements are an effective way for couples to make financial plans for their future. More than one-third of all couples say they would like to have a prenuptial agreement, according to a recent survey. A prenuptial agreement can address important topics like spending, credit card debt, and estate planning, as well as protecting family businesses and premarital assets, providing for children’s needs, and avoiding costly, protracted litigation in the event of a divorce. These three tips might make the conversation easier to have:

Allow enough time.

First, give your betrothed plenty of time to think about it. No one likes to be rushed. You know how crazy it can be to make wedding arrangements, so don’t let the prenup be the last thing on the list. A good rule of thumb would be three to six months before the wedding.

Create a context.

Next, help your fiance to understand why you need a prenup and how it fits into the “big picture.” You might want to present the prenup along with wills, health care powers of attorney, living wills, insurance policies, and other estate planning documents. The prenup is just one of several documents that will establish the financial foundation of the marriage.

Get independent legal counsel.

Finally, encourage your fiance to hire independent legal counsel. You might even offer to pay the bill. This step will allow your fiance to ask questions that might be uncomfortable for you or your lawyer to answer, and it may ensure that the agreement will be enforceable.